Week 1 in the Bikram studio started with nausea and ended with nausea. I took Friday off just to eat! Then on Saturday, after having a strong class I started dry heaving again. No more whining about it, I said very forcefully, “I’m so fucking pissed!” to noone in particular. Just to say to the universe, this food thing is freaking me out and I want answers and solutions, really helped. So, as my instructor rubbed my feet (mmm, grounding!) we talked about my meat cravings and by the end of the conversation I felt like I had control of the outcome. I could have sat in that place of frustration and doubt for a long time, but instead, I put out there that I was unsatisfied and the changes began to flow immediately.
At the farmers market that day, I gave the Macro Mama’s a visit just to see if I would get that deep cellular buzz going on. The food WAS delicious, AND, I wasn’t satisfied. I don’t want to eat meat for the taste of it. I mean, I became a vegetarian because somewhere in the MidWest there were cowards in helicopters slaughtering Wild Mustangs so that there would be more room for grazing cattle. How ridiculous, right? So, that first week was a lot of mental work. Coming to grips with my body. Trusting that I could eat meat responsibly and respectfully. (local local local.) More importantly, trusting that I could learn how to cook with meat safely before poisoning myself! So many questions. Which cutting board was designated the blood board?! If I leave hamburger meat in the fridge for 3 days, is it edible? The answer to that is a resounding NOOOO!
Today, I remembered that the meat diet has been a long time coming. In the 4 years that I have practiced Bikram, every time I took a “break” was because of food. An instructor told me once that he thought it was psychological. Saying that to a woman can be tricky. I immediately took him to mean that I had an eating disorder and from there all kinds of judgements and doubts surfaced. I got over it, but I did stay away from the studio for a bit. I see now that my “disorder” was lack of creative thinking. Looking to the future, my Texas family is ecstatic that I call with meat questions! I’m having a great week of practice and am experimenting with new recipes. Thankfully, it’s grilling season, so I don’t have to cook the meat inside the house!
As for the practice, on the hardest days, I thought a lot about Bikram Teacher Training and how it could very well be this hard, times 10. One week of constant discomfort in the belly, really tough practices followed by more discomfort totally fucked with my peace and my confidence. Three things propped me up when I couldn’t alone. One, recalling that when I couldn’t practice in the studio I said more than once, “Without Bikram I am Dooooomed!” Two, my very best friend, @jaynesave, showing up to 6am class knowing that she had to take her tired, worn out self home to an energetic toddler. And, three, @christopharii supporting my apparent insanity and taking charge of the grill!
A side note, there is the ongoing saga of my broke down computer which keeps me at a distance from the twitterverse and the blogosphere, but I’m keeping my chin up!
Much love to all y’all!
